What's a Smart Woman Like you doing At Home?

In this morning's Washington Post was a confounding Q and A in Judith Martin's Miss Manners Column. In case you haven't seen it, take a look here.

Normally, Miss Manners has a good response. Today? Fail! I'm sure she is weary of the situation; but, a conservative/traditional wife and mother could never say what Miss Manners suggests. The fact of the matter is that I - an "At Home Mom" for  several years - still have issue with this reaction due to current societal expectations. When my younger child began school, the response has become even more harsh. It just seems to bug some people (particularly women) that I don't have career-related anxiety. (Believe me, the stakes in my "career" are mighty high considering the success and failure of my efforts directly impacts my family immediately and quite possible future generations.) I've had to reference one of my favorite suppobooks called What's a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home? by Linda Burton, Janet Dittmer, Cheri Loveless. (By the way, although somewhat dated, this book should be required reading for any intelligent and/or educated female considering or making this decision to "stay at home.")

What has helped me is that I have recently been hired by our school district as "Degreed Substitute Teacher." I can now say with truth and conviction "I substitute teach." Mind you, I have no interest in teaching permanently. (God bless the teachers who have that calling in life!) My husband and I own a handful of rental properties so I used to respond that I worked at home in our Real Estate Holdings Company; however, after the collapse of the industry, let's just say, the party mood would be dampened. But, I have found that people feel less defensive and disinterested when they are talking to a "sub" as they no longer feel like you are judging them if they are (or their wives are or mothers were) mothers who had to/chose to work outside the home.

(Additionally, I get that the disbelief that I may be "wasting" my education and experience might be a compliment in that someone sees that I have such amazing talent and skills that they would love to have someone such as myself working in their office to help achieve organizational goals. And I'm flattered. Note - I never volunteer that I don't work outside the home - not because of shame, but for the sake of peacefulness and kindness.)

If they still seem interested in conversing (which is often NOT the case), I might share about my hobbies and interests. What is so super sad and boring to me is that there are so many people who have NO interests or hobbies. They are learning NOTHING on a day to day basis. They just move through the day in a herd waiting to be told by their "bosses" what to do. Do they honestly think it's fun or interesting hearing them talk about their sad grey lives in cubicle farms, or what an annoying customer or coworker said, or how inept their manager is, or what they are going to buy with their latest bonus (wait, that last one might be interesting) - well, you get my point.

Let's face it - Specific work talk is usually pretty boring (unless your work affects me - i.e., you are the P.O.T.U.S. or my husband).

I have found that the "working people" with whom I share the best conversations are those few who either are entrepreneurs, independent contractors, teachers, artists and business owners because they often speak to passions, creativity, accomplishments, goals and they are more dynamic.

It is the same kind of energy that I get from at-home moms who truly love what they are doing and are fully engaged in care, development and wellness. These at-home moms are the ones to which I so relate. (The at-home moms who basically just keep the kids fed while they all use technology or other people to entertain themselves all day? Not so much.) Listen, I have come across a handful of at-home dads and dads who are Primary Caregivers who are amazing and interesting fellows. I can imagine that in this culture, the condescension and ignorance is even greater for them.

While I recognize that this may be a defense mechanism/coping adaptation, here is my response for all those who are unable to comprehend why a mother might choose to expend her personal resources in the pursuit of parenthood and homemaking:

"I realize that being the primary caregiver for one's own children isn't for everyone. One must really appreciate her child and the complexity of a mother's relationship with said child, the sanctity of childhood and the home that you make for him. You have to really be willing to learn on the job every single day, research, develop and implement micro-programs and be willing to sacrifice salary, bonuses, prestige and pats on the back for a job well done. I know that in 2011 USA that's not always financially possible. I also know that to many people who grew up middle or lower class combined with the modern day quest for validation and 'stuff' makes my choice seem strange. I know it's hard for you to understand. So if you'll excuse me..." Turn and walk away.

I wonder how Miss Manners would like my answer.